I’ve been using Wikipedia to research an article, and found that day-um, that sucker is just chock full of little known information. For instance, did you know that Sarah Palin is the product of a virgin birth?

Her father, Jor-El, believed her mother when she denied ever having sex. As a scientist on Krypton researching global warming, he knew he hadn’t had time to seal the deal. And, oops, since the planet overheated and blew up, he just never got-r-done. Fortunately, before the shit hit the fan, they sent Sarah by rocket to a family in Idaho (thereby creating her life long interest in rocket science.) When little Sarah was only a few months old, the family moved to Alaska where they raised her up.

In high school, our Sarah blossomed. She was a point guard for the Wasilla High School basketball team that won the 1982 Alaska State Championship, all the while “heading” up the Fellowship for Christian Athletes. She was affectionately known as “Sarah Barracuda.” No shit, check it out. If I’m lying, I’m dying.

She also played the flute and enjoyed performing for the football team. Their nickname for her was “Luscious Lips.”

After high school, Sarah decided against Harvard and MIT, matriculating instead at the University of Hawaii at Hilo only to transfer to Hawaii Pacific University after a couple of weeks citing better surfing and a more advantageous male/female student ratio in summer school. Former classmates remember her for her “itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka dot bikini” and as a serious party girl who not only inhaled, she “drank the damn bong water.”

By spring of ’83, according to Wikipedia, she was attending the North Idaho Community College, then on to the University of Idaho Moscow followed by the Matanuska-Susitna College in Alaska, then back to the U of IM where she finally graduated with a degree in journalism. Her rumored application, and subsequent denial for a research position with NASA, could not be confirmed, though it is my understanding she passed the oral exam with flying colors.

I forgot to mention that in 1984, she placed third in the Miss Alaska contest, playing a series of “flute” solos for her talent competition. She was chosen Miss Congeniality by the other contestants, also receiving some serious high fives and one down low from the judges who awarded her the Dirty Sanchez Lifetime Achievement Award.

Currently, Sarah and her daughter, pretty Piper Palin (say that 10 times real fast,) are on vacation. With her band of tea bagging Merry Pranksters, mysteriously touring the country in a magical bus, she is going from state to state, raining on her fellow Republican presidential candidates’ announcement parades. Gosh, our little Sarah is such a rogue.

Folks, you can deny science all you want, but you can’t rewrite history. If it’s in Wikipedia, you can take it to the bank. You betcha.

Listen my children and you shall hear of the midnight ride of Paul Revere…..